Why me?

I’ve never understood why I have never been able to carry a baby to term. The frustration that I feel with my body, the anger I feel with God.

When I went in for my 8 week OBGYN I was so excited to see our sweet baby. The babe may not have been planned but I always knew in my heart that I was going to be a mom of four children.

The second I knew I was pregnant this time around I knew there was something wrong with this pregnancy. With my first three pregnancies my test came early like four days before my missed period. With this baby it took four days after my missed period for the test to turn positive.

Throughout all the visit to Eishenhower to confirm my pregnancy I knew I was pregnant. I was excited. Scared. Nervous. Finally we got the confirmation I was indeed pregnant. Yet, something in the back of my mind told me not to get to excited. I mean how can you not get excited your having a freaking baby!

All the excitement got overshadowed when my mom got deadly sick. She ended up having to have two major surgeries that have changed her life forever. I quickly realized that I needed to go to Arizona to be there for my mom and help my family get her out of her apartment. Once she is finally out of the hospital she will move to a skilled nursing home.

We got mom moved out in two days! I was in Arizona for two weeks. I got home on the 24th just enough time for me to go to my OBGYN appointment the next day.

I knew something was wrong when an ultrasound that should take 15 minutes turned into an hour with multiple people coming in. I picked up something was wrong. I texted my sisters.

Once my ultrasound was done. I waited two hours to see the doctor. Come to find out I waited so long because they were showing my ultrasound to everyone in the office. Apparently I have something going on so Rare no one in the office has seen it.

I left the office with this one piece of paper. I was barely holding it together I couldn’t even check out. I ran out of the hospital and called my sister crying. She could barely hear me or understand me.

I am possible having a rare form of an ectopic pregnancy. One that is life threatening to the mother. I was told to take it easy. Don’t over do it. No sex. No lifting heavy things. Basically I’m on bed rest just without the words.

If I bleed, have cramping or anything that is not normal I have to go to the ER room right away. The closest one at that.

Our course my mind started playing games with me. I started cramping that night. I knew it was all in my head. I know my mind is trying to protect my heart. All I know is this is a shitty situation.

I have a baby inside me that is healthy. Has a beating heart at 164 yet this pregnancy could kill me.

Any person that lives in this day in age turns to doctor google. Welp! Doctor google has no beneficial information. So here I am a mom of three kids, pregnant with a fourth and this babe could kill me and take me away from my kids.

What in the hell am I supposed to do?